Be Kind...

Gosh, it’s been a while since I’ve posted on here and actually, I’m not sure why I ever stopped, as I love using this as a release.

I wasn’t going to jump on the bandwagon but actually, more for myself, I feel like I wanted to speak about the ‘Caroline Flack’ incident.

Now, I’ve never been a particular fan of Caroline - I had no reason to be, as I didn’t watch Love Island or X Factor and the only time I can say I’ve admired her was when she performed Chicago in the West End (which was fab!) but for some reason, her story is so raw and has made me feel like I’ve lost a close friend – it’s really unsettled me.

I’ve obsessed over all the details, I’ve invested into her story and I just feel completely shaken by it. Perhaps because it’s a little close to home.

If you know me, you know my mood can change from 1 to 100 and back to -10 again. I get angry and upset but in the next moment could be having full on belly laughs. I’d say that more often than not I get through the days with a facade - a fake smile, pretending everything is okay. People who don’t know me are shocked when I say I’m a negative person, mostly because I’m always the one trying to cheer people up, send them a quote to encourage a better time or advise them on a difficult time they’re having. 

The trouble is, the time when I’m alone, inside my own head... thinking about all the what ifs through every segment of my life. Wishing I’d done things differently. Wondering what it was I did to deserve the bad times I’ve had thrown at me.  

We laugh at a recent note taken from a work meeting where I exclaimed ‘my 20s have been terrible!’ But it’s so very true... I feel like every year I say ‘this year will be better’ but it always feels just the same as the last. I am still so very stuck in my own head. Drowning with hateful thoughts towards myself. Trying to cover up the truth and brave a smile. Longing for something that I don’t even know I’m missing. And my goodness there’s been many times where that scary scary thought has crossed my mind - what if it all just ended today? But luckily, I have family and friends and a fiancé to pull me out the other side and make me realise, I am here for a reason - I just haven’t found it for myself yet. 

And I think that’s what breaks my heart so very much about Caroline - how did it get to the point for her that she couldn’t even think of the people that love her so dearly, that could have pulled her through. How hurt she must have felt, feeing like she had no one else to turn to, to open up to, who could have prevented this awful outcome. 

We all make mistakes. We all say and do things we shouldn’t. I know I have said spiteful things in anger and upset - things I far from mean, things that eat away at my conscious but one thing I’m always proud of is, I say sorry, I address the situation and I try to finalise issues. Sometimes it can take years but I get there eventually because if not, I would only dwell. It’s so very hard to imagine she felt she couldn’t even get to that point. She couldn’t face it any longer. 

Remember what Caroline said - Be Kind.  

          - I think it’s important we all think on that. Even if you have said or done things you shouldn’t. Reflect on them and improve on them for next time. If someone or yourself has made an effort to move past a bad moment in life, grow together past my that. Don’t resent or reject that person and make them feel alone. You never know how a person is feeling behind closed doors. 

Rest in Peace Caroline & to all those others who couldn’t stand their mental health any longer.  

The Girl Who's Always ill...

So what does it feel like to be unwell ALL of the time? 

The thought in the back of your mind that everyone thinks you're faking it...

The worries that you may not be able to do 'normal' things that most people my age can... 

The constant appointments at the Doctors and Hospital...

The feeling belittled because you can't bring yourself to work...

It's exhausting and deliberating and something I'm still yet to get to grips with totally. 

For those of you who don't know, I suffer with two chronic conditions, Ulcerative Colitis and Endometriosis. This has been the case since 2012 and it's been a long old journey packed with mis-diagnosis', blood tests, scans, Colonoscopies and now my third Laparoscopy. 

My tummy is no where near as bad as it first was *touch wood* but it's a sad reality that for me feeling 'normal' is that I have learnt to live with the dull ache and pain in my tummy every day. My immune system is shot to ribbons due to the UC and therefore I pick up every cough, cold and sore throat around me. I suffer with depression and anxiety as a result of it all and it has gotten to the point where not only am I sick of feeling like this, my friends are even struggling to understand me always complaining too - and that is something I completely get... why would you want to listen to me mope on about it all day, every day. 

This is why I'm writing this post because in many ways, letting my fingers express my anger by means of typing is truly helpful because, even if no one listens, it's like I'm pushing one more bit of negativity out of me and it's sort of therapeutic. 

Through counselling I have learnt that not bottling things up is key... as the saying goes... a problem shared is a problem halved... but how do I say how I'm feeling if I'm worried people don't want to hear it... that's something I'm still yet to learn; even to the point where I hate going to the doctors constantly to check what this could mean or what does that mean...

I want to say that I am so very grateful that things are not worse for me; I have heard so many terrible stories about people's health recently and it really does help to put things into perspective for me but it's not to say that everyone who is going through similar to me is not worthy of being heard. You're still just as important as the person who is more ill than you... you're still human and you shouldn't have to go through the things you are. That's what I try to tell myself anyway. I really am completely fed up with how I am and in many ways I think it worsens things because of how much I worry. Every un-settling symptom still makes me nervous, especially as I don't want to be back in the state that I was. It may seem like I over-react but in reality I'm just cautious not to be back in hospital for a week trying to fix myself. 

On a more positive note I have booked to go travelling in January... it's given me an aim to feel better by then... to stabilise my conditions and to go to the other side of the world without having these conditions looming over me and holding me back... it's really scary but I am challenging myself to do it and I can't wait to prove the world and myself wrong. 

I AM more than these conditions and I WILL be me again. 

I'm sorry this is another slightly moany and depressing post but I am trying my hardest to keep smiling and keep on keeping on, it's just sometimes, like today, it gets the better of me and so I thought I'd write it al down, as I said. 

If you have a moment, check these sites out for more information on the illnesses: 

https://www.endometriosis-uk.org/understanding-endometriosis

https://www.crohnsandcolitis.org.uk/about-inflammatory-bowel-disease/ulcerative-colitis

I'd love to hear from you if you or someone you know is going through the same or similar... it really helps when I feel like part of a community with this, because then I feel less alone. 

Also, there was a video I watched on Facebook by Buzzfeed yesterday and it was really relatable, so if you have another moment free, be sure to check it out:
Video: Times My Doctor Didn't Listen to My Pain

With love, hugs, kisses and special wishes,

From Katy ♡

Where Have I Been?!...

So, it kinda feels like I've disappeared off the radar when it comes to this side of my social media. I promised myself I would keep this up - making blogposts and videos - but I guess you could say that once again, my confidence (lack of) has gotten in the way again. 

I'm still jobless (since January) and still feeling pretty useless because of that. Last year, I took the time out because I knew I had to, to get better; This year, I lost a job and had no choice in the matter - of course I've applied for lots of work since but seriously, I'm getting no where. It's made me question where I want to live and what I actually want to do with my life. It's cemented the idea that travelling would be a great opportunity for me but of course my health also gets in the way of that. I feel like I've 100% reverted back to my teenage days of having to rely on my parents.  I feel alone, even when I have love surrounding me from friends and family and I feel like I'm letting myself down in so many ways. In other words, everything truly feels like it's gone tits up for me. 

Last year, when I was making my videos and blog posts, it gave me such a focus, when I didn't have a job to keep me occupied but even then my confidence was low because I wasn't getting the audience I wanted and rather than keeping it going, I just stopped, which didn't help matters either way. I know that views and likes shouldn't matter but to me it just feels like they do, like I'm not significant if I'm not getting attention. But even when I'm seeking attention, I seek judgement too, which is something that scares me a whole lot, so I don't know why I do it?! 

I want to be positive but I put myself down. 

I want to lose weight but all the time I have no confidence, I seem to be putting it on through sympathy eating. 

I want to get noticed but I don't want to be seen how I am. 

I want to get better but all the stress just seems to make me worse.

It's just all so negative and I don't want that anymore. I want to learn to love myself. I want to be the cliche, strong independent woman! I want to find myself and find self worth and find something that can capture my heart and make me a better version of me.

So here's my long awaited blogpost. Me, coming out of the woodwork and ranting, so that I can look back and push myself not to feel like this any longer. 

If you can relate to any of these feelings, I'd love for you to message me because I feel like together is a stronger way than alone. We can get through this!

I hope that soon I will be back to me and back to writing and filming, just like I want to. And hopefully that won't be all that 2017 has to give either. Who knows?! But one thing I do realise, is that progress is impossible without change, so here's to progress...!

With love, hugs, kisses and special wishes,
From Katy ♡

I made it to the TOP 100!

Sometimes you can be reaching out to someone and not even be aware of it. 

Around a year a go, I posted a video on YouTube in an attempt to get my story heard in relation to the illness that I live with; Ulcerative Colitis... earlier this week I was awarded in the Top 100 for my channel and it made me feel so content that in doing such a small action, I've actually managed to reach out to a bigger audience and raise awareness for the illness. 

It was a little reminder that even though things aren't always ideal for yourself, as a person you can still make an impact on others even when unaware you're doing so. 

When I was awarded I was shown where I featured and this meant that I too was provided with more contacts and blogs and so once again I'm reminded I'm not alone with my journey. Take a look at the site if you want to check out some of the other brilliant and brave bloggers battling Crohns and Colitis. 

Oh and by the way, this has definitely made me want to do another long awaited video on my channel, so be sure to let me know what you'd like to see. 

With love, hugs, kisses and special wishes,
From Katy ♡

It's never too late...

I was meant to write this post a little while back but what with it being the busiest time of the year for me, I have kinda let it slip (much like my whole efforts with my blog and channel - again, i'm sorry about that) but since it's still December and technically festivities are still acceptable until New Year, I thought, what the heck... here's what I got up to the weekend before Christmas... the thing I like the most - baking!

Inspired by the fact I had to make a cake for Tracy's Blog I left my apron on and also whipped up my first batch of mini mince pies and this year, was so pleased with how they turned out (if you've been reading my blog since last year, you'll know of my disaster back then)...

So here's the lastest and best recipe I've found so far, (oddly enough, it's actually a recipe I adapted from back in the school cookery lesson days!)

I'm not going to teach anyone to suck eggs here... but basically, combine all the ingredients (obviously not the mince meat!) once formed into pastry, wrap in clingfilm and put in the fridge for around 15 minutes... I have no idea why but apparently this helps! Then you can get to rolling it out, cutting the circles for the base, and the stars for the topping and adding the mincemeat for the middle. Head's up, the best mincemeat we found this year was from Aldi but my mum had already used that batch up, so I was stuck with Tesco's for mine, so I added a shot of Brandy to give it a kick. Then I put them into a tray (I went for minis) and chucked them in the oven for 15-20 minutes and gave them a pretty dusting of icing sugar.

I refuse to believe that Mince Pies are just for Christmas, when they taste so good and if you think they're vile... do what I did, force yourself to like them and end up loving them. They go with tea, perfectly. 

By the way, if you're at all curious about what I baked for Tracy's post... be sure to check it out: Gloriously Ungraceful - if you like ginger and you like cake... you'll love my recipe for Ginger Cake! 

With love, hugs, kisses and special wishes,
From Katy ♡