So, it kinda feels like I've disappeared off the radar when it comes to this side of my social media. I promised myself I would keep this up - making blogposts and videos - but I guess you could say that once again, my confidence (lack of) has gotten in the way again.
I'm still jobless (since January) and still feeling pretty useless because of that. Last year, I took the time out because I knew I had to, to get better; This year, I lost a job and had no choice in the matter - of course I've applied for lots of work since but seriously, I'm getting no where. It's made me question where I want to live and what I actually want to do with my life. It's cemented the idea that travelling would be a great opportunity for me but of course my health also gets in the way of that. I feel like I've 100% reverted back to my teenage days of having to rely on my parents. I feel alone, even when I have love surrounding me from friends and family and I feel like I'm letting myself down in so many ways. In other words, everything truly feels like it's gone tits up for me.
Last year, when I was making my videos and blog posts, it gave me such a focus, when I didn't have a job to keep me occupied but even then my confidence was low because I wasn't getting the audience I wanted and rather than keeping it going, I just stopped, which didn't help matters either way. I know that views and likes shouldn't matter but to me it just feels like they do, like I'm not significant if I'm not getting attention. But even when I'm seeking attention, I seek judgement too, which is something that scares me a whole lot, so I don't know why I do it?!
I want to be positive but I put myself down.
I want to lose weight but all the time I have no confidence, I seem to be putting it on through sympathy eating.
I want to get noticed but I don't want to be seen how I am.
I want to get better but all the stress just seems to make me worse.
It's just all so negative and I don't want that anymore. I want to learn to love myself. I want to be the cliche, strong independent woman! I want to find myself and find self worth and find something that can capture my heart and make me a better version of me.
So here's my long awaited blogpost. Me, coming out of the woodwork and ranting, so that I can look back and push myself not to feel like this any longer.
If you can relate to any of these feelings, I'd love for you to message me because I feel like together is a stronger way than alone. We can get through this!
I hope that soon I will be back to me and back to writing and filming, just like I want to. And hopefully that won't be all that 2017 has to give either. Who knows?! But one thing I do realise, is that progress is impossible without change, so here's to progress...!
From Katy ♡
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