Friday, 1 September 2017

The Girl Who's Always ill...

So what does it feel like to be unwell ALL of the time? 

The thought in the back of your mind that everyone thinks you're faking it...
The worries that you may not be able to do 'normal' things that most people my age can... 
The constant appointments at the Doctors and Hospital...
The feeling belittled because you can't bring yourself to work...

It's exhausting and deliberating and something I'm still yet to get to grips with totally. 

For those of you who don't know, I suffer with two chronic conditions, Ulcerative Colitis and Endometriosis. This has been the case since 2012 and it's been a long old journey packed with mis-diagnosis', blood tests, scans, Colonoscopies and now my third Laparoscopy. 

My tummy is no where near as bad as it first was *touch wood* but it's a sad reality that for me feeling 'normal' is that I have learnt to live with the dull ache and pain in my tummy every day. My immune system is shot to ribbons due to the UC and therefore I pick up every cough, cold and sore throat around me. I suffer with depression and anxiety as a result of it all and it has gotten to the point where not only am I sick of feeling like this, my friends are even struggling to understand me always complaining too - and that is something I completely get... why would you want to listen to me mope on about it all day, every day. 

This is why I'm writing this post because in many ways, letting my fingers express my anger by means of typing is truly helpful because, even if no one listens, it's like I'm pushing one more bit of negativity out of me and it's sort of therapeutic. 

Through counselling I have learnt that not bottling things up is key... as the saying goes... a problem shared is a problem halved... but how do I say how I'm feeling if I'm worried people don't want to hear it... that's something I'm still yet to learn; even to the point where I hate going to the doctors constantly to check what this could mean or what does that mean...

I want to say that I am so very grateful that things are not worse for me; I have heard so many terrible stories about people's health recently and it really does help to put things into perspective for me but it's not to say that everyone who is going through similar to me is not worthy of being heard. You're still just as important as the person who is more ill than you... you're still human and you shouldn't have to go through the things you are. That's what I try to tell myself anyway. I really am completely fed up with how I am and in many ways I think it worsens things because of how much I worry. Every un-settling symptom still makes me nervous, especially as I don't want to be back in the state that I was. It may seem like I over-react but in reality I'm just cautious not to be back in hospital for a week trying to fix myself. 

On a more positive note I have booked to go travelling in January... it's given me an aim to feel better by then... to stabilise my conditions and to go to the other side of the world without having these conditions looming over me and holding me back... it's really scary but I am challenging myself to do it and I can't wait to prove the world and myself wrong. 

I AM more than these conditions and I WILL be me again. 

I'm sorry this is another slightly moany and depressing post but I am trying my hardest to keep smiling and keep on keeping on, it's just sometimes, like today, it gets the better of me and so I thought I'd write it al down, as I said. 

If you have a moment, check these sites out for more information on the illnesses: 

I'd love to hear from you if you or someone you know is going through the same or similar... it really helps when I feel like part of a community with this, because then I feel less alone. 

Also, there was a video I watched on Facebook by Buzzfeed yesterday and it was really relatable, so if you have another moment free, be sure to check it out:
Video: Times My Doctor Didn't Listen to My Pain

With love, hugs, kisses and special wishes,

From Katy 

Monday, 26 June 2017

Where Have I Been?!...

So, it kinda feels like I've disappeared off the radar when it comes to this side of my social media. I promised myself I would keep this up - making blogposts and videos - but I guess you could say that once again, my confidence (lack of) has gotten in the way again. 

I'm still jobless (since January) and still feeling pretty useless because of that. Last year, I took the time out because I knew I had to, to get better; This year, I lost a job and had no choice in the matter - of course I've applied for lots of work since but seriously, I'm getting no where. It's made me question where I want to live and what I actually want to do with my life. It's cemented the idea that travelling would be a great opportunity for me but of course my health also gets in the way of that. I feel like I've 100% reverted back to my teenage days of having to rely on my parents.  I feel alone, even when I have love surrounding me from friends and family and I feel like I'm letting myself down in so many ways. In other words, everything truly feels like it's gone tits up for me. 

Last year, when I was making my videos and blog posts, it gave me such a focus, when I didn't have a job to keep me occupied but even then my confidence was low because I wasn't getting the audience I wanted and rather than keeping it going, I just stopped, which didn't help matters either way. I know that views and likes shouldn't matter but to me it just feels like they do, like I'm not significant if I'm not getting attention. But even when I'm seeking attention, I seek judgement too, which is something that scares me a whole lot, so I don't know why I do it?! 

I want to be positive but I put myself down. 

I want to lose weight but all the time I have no confidence, I seem to be putting it on through sympathy eating. 

I want to get noticed but I don't want to be seen how I am. 

I want to get better but all the stress just seems to make me worse.

It's just all so negative and I don't want that anymore. I want to learn to love myself. I want to be the cliche, strong independent woman! I want to find myself and find self worth and find something that can capture my heart and make me a better version of me.

So here's my long awaited blogpost. Me, coming out of the woodwork and ranting, so that I can look back and push myself not to feel like this any longer. 

If you can relate to any of these feelings, I'd love for you to message me because I feel like together is a stronger way than alone. We can get through this!

I hope that soon I will be back to me and back to writing and filming, just like I want to. And hopefully that won't be all that 2017 has to give either. Who knows?! But one thing I do realise, is that progress is impossible without change, so here's to progress...!

With love, hugs, kisses and special wishes,
From Katy 

Thursday, 2 March 2017

I made it to the TOP 100!

Sometimes you can be reaching out to someone and not even be aware of it. 

Around a year a go, I posted a video on YouTube in an attempt to get my story heard in relation to the illness that I live with; Ulcerative Colitis... earlier this week I was awarded in the Top 100 for my channel and it made me feel so content that in doing such a small action, I've actually managed to reach out to a bigger audience and raise awareness for the illness. 

It was a little reminder that even though things aren't always ideal for yourself, as a person you can still make an impact on others even when unaware you're doing so. 

When I was awarded I was shown where I featured and this meant that I too was provided with more contacts and blogs and so once again I'm reminded I'm not alone with my journey. Take a look at the site if you want to check out some of the other brilliant and brave bloggers battling Crohns and Colitis. 

Oh and by the way, this has definitely made me want to do another long awaited video on my channel, so be sure to let me know what you'd like to see. 

With love, hugs, kisses and special wishes,
From Katy 

Wednesday, 28 December 2016

It's never too late...

I was meant to write this post a little while back but what with it being the busiest time of the year for me, I have kinda let it slip (much like my whole efforts with my blog and channel - again, i'm sorry about that) but since it's still December and technically festivities are still acceptable until New Year, I thought, what the heck... here's what I got up to the weekend before Christmas... the thing I like the most - baking!

Inspired by the fact I had to make a cake for Tracy's Blog I left my apron on and also whipped up my first batch of mini mince pies and this year, was so pleased with how they turned out (if you've been reading my blog since last year, you'll know of my disaster back then)...

So here's the lastest and best recipe I've found so far, (oddly enough, it's actually a recipe I adapted from back in the school cookery lesson days!)

I'm not going to teach anyone to suck eggs here... but basically, combine all the ingredients (obviously not the mince meat!) once formed into pastry, wrap in clingfilm and put in the fridge for around 15 minutes... I have no idea why but apparently this helps! Then you can get to rolling it out, cutting the circles for the base, and the stars for the topping and adding the mincemeat for the middle. Head's up, the best mincemeat we found this year was from Aldi but my mum had already used that batch up, so I was stuck with Tesco's for mine, so I added a shot of Brandy to give it a kick. Then I put them into a tray (I went for minis) and chucked them in the oven for 15-20 minutes and gave them a pretty dusting of icing sugar.

I refuse to believe that Mince Pies are just for Christmas, when they taste so good and if you think they're vile... do what I did, force yourself to like them and end up loving them. They go with tea, perfectly. 

By the way, if you're at all curious about what I baked for Tracy's post... be sure to check it out: Gloriously Ungraceful - if you like ginger and you like cake... you'll love my recipe for Ginger Cake! 

With love, hugs, kisses and special wishes,
From Katy 

Tuesday, 27 December 2016

Love Actually... is all around...

Aside from Harry Potter, Love Actually is the greatest film ever to grace our screens. It has everything to offer, comedy, heartbreak, innuendos and LOVE.. ACTUALLY. 

Once again, Tracy (Gloriously Ungraceful) have come up with a series of questions to celebrate such a  perfect film, so here we are:

1. What is your favourite part of the movie?
This is so hard, as there as so many amazing bits but the bit that sends my heart racing the most, is Sam running after Joanne in the airport, after THAT song! It's totally and utterly adorable and the perfect amount of ridiculously unrealistic-ness and innocence. Sam's little face - awwww. 
2. Given the chance, what storyline would you have changed and how?
I would have loved to see Sarah and Carl find a way of getting together because it just seems so harsh that they can't be but then, what would a film be without a bit of longing for a different scenario?!
3. What love story would you want for yourself and why?
There's so many that I would love to combine, to make the perfect movie scenario my heart always longs for; but given my New Year's resolution to be more spontaneous, i'd have to say Colin's story line is pretty up there (minus the multiple girls) but just the fact it's a last minute trip to America and a scenario like no other... I love that idea of pure selfishness and spontaneity. But as I said, there are elements of each story I'd love for myself, right down to the style of the funeral!
4. Which situation would you least like to find yourself in?
My heart hurts for Mark; I mean seriously, what could or would you with yourself in that situation? (Although, a question I always do ponder... what would have happened if Peter opened the door?! - movies eh!)
5. Who is your favourite female character?
Natalie. What a girl. So natural and down to earth. She doesn't change to make someone love her. She has some of the best lines in the film and if you think otherwise i'll tell you to SHUT YA FACE.

6. Who is your favourite male character?
If I were basing this on who I would like to find myself in love with - John (is it bad I never knew his cast name until now?!) just simply because it's Martin Freeman. 
However, character wise, I love Billy. I feel like the whole story starts and is centralised by him in a way. He is a big inspiration to Sam's drumming part. He's utterly hilarious and also, he is the voice behind the song that makes the movie.
7. What makes you love this film?
As I said, it has everything you'd want from a movie. I love films like that, where they can make you feel a whole range of emotions. There's a story line to fit any scenario of love and therefore is relatable throughout any time of your life.
8. How many times have you watched it?
My biggest regret is not keeping a tally of this (maybe I should start in 2017, for this and Harry Potter) I literally wouldn't have a clue. One year, I honestly watched every day for about a month. I'd also say at least 3-4 times a year without fail. 

9. What part makes you laugh the most?
I have a real nervous laugh when it comes to movies... when something is so endearing, I get a nervous little laugh that begins with a lump in my throat - if I don't laugh, i'll cry. There's so many moments in this film that make me feel like this. One of my favourite scenes is David's trip to find Natalie in Wandsworth (the dodgy end), those kids. LOL.

10. What part makes you cry the most?
So. Many. Tears... Happy and Sad. The most heart wrenching tears of all though is when poor Karen doesn't receive the necklace. That scene is so cleverly acted out. So realistic and true of a mother to hide her own emotion for the sake of her family. The song has the perfect feel to it and particularly as we know that Karen has an emotional connection to Joni Mitchell - just such a tear jerker.

Bonus question: Do you think Hugh Grant would make a good Prime Minister?
Hugh Grant, no. Hugh Grant in his acting role of Prime Minister - ABSOLUTELY. His speech is everything (particularly as he celebrates Harry Potter too) and although it's a reflection of occurrences back in 2003, it still has so much meaning to this day. I'd love to hear our prime minister take control of a situation like that. Plus the fact he falls in love with Natalie - just perfect.

If you've watched this, let me know what you can relate to and if you haven't, I probably don't want to talk to you until you get your bum into gear and watch. I hope you enjoy my take on things! Be sure to check out Gloriously Ungraceful for her answers too. I could have answered so many other questions, there's so many other favourite parts and characters I could or should have mentioned and I kept thinking of lots of other questions as I was answering these. I really do love this movie.

(p.s. Tracy, please can we do one of these for HP?!)

With love (actually), hugs, kisses and special wishesFrom Katy