The Girl Who's Always ill...

So what does it feel like to be unwell ALL of the time? 

The thought in the back of your mind that everyone thinks you're faking it...

The worries that you may not be able to do 'normal' things that most people my age can... 

The constant appointments at the Doctors and Hospital...

The feeling belittled because you can't bring yourself to work...

It's exhausting and deliberating and something I'm still yet to get to grips with totally. 

For those of you who don't know, I suffer with two chronic conditions, Ulcerative Colitis and Endometriosis. This has been the case since 2012 and it's been a long old journey packed with mis-diagnosis', blood tests, scans, Colonoscopies and now my third Laparoscopy. 

My tummy is no where near as bad as it first was *touch wood* but it's a sad reality that for me feeling 'normal' is that I have learnt to live with the dull ache and pain in my tummy every day. My immune system is shot to ribbons due to the UC and therefore I pick up every cough, cold and sore throat around me. I suffer with depression and anxiety as a result of it all and it has gotten to the point where not only am I sick of feeling like this, my friends are even struggling to understand me always complaining too - and that is something I completely get... why would you want to listen to me mope on about it all day, every day. 

This is why I'm writing this post because in many ways, letting my fingers express my anger by means of typing is truly helpful because, even if no one listens, it's like I'm pushing one more bit of negativity out of me and it's sort of therapeutic. 

Through counselling I have learnt that not bottling things up is key... as the saying goes... a problem shared is a problem halved... but how do I say how I'm feeling if I'm worried people don't want to hear it... that's something I'm still yet to learn; even to the point where I hate going to the doctors constantly to check what this could mean or what does that mean...

I want to say that I am so very grateful that things are not worse for me; I have heard so many terrible stories about people's health recently and it really does help to put things into perspective for me but it's not to say that everyone who is going through similar to me is not worthy of being heard. You're still just as important as the person who is more ill than you... you're still human and you shouldn't have to go through the things you are. That's what I try to tell myself anyway. I really am completely fed up with how I am and in many ways I think it worsens things because of how much I worry. Every un-settling symptom still makes me nervous, especially as I don't want to be back in the state that I was. It may seem like I over-react but in reality I'm just cautious not to be back in hospital for a week trying to fix myself. 

On a more positive note I have booked to go travelling in January... it's given me an aim to feel better by then... to stabilise my conditions and to go to the other side of the world without having these conditions looming over me and holding me back... it's really scary but I am challenging myself to do it and I can't wait to prove the world and myself wrong. 

I AM more than these conditions and I WILL be me again. 

I'm sorry this is another slightly moany and depressing post but I am trying my hardest to keep smiling and keep on keeping on, it's just sometimes, like today, it gets the better of me and so I thought I'd write it al down, as I said. 

If you have a moment, check these sites out for more information on the illnesses: 

https://www.endometriosis-uk.org/understanding-endometriosis

https://www.crohnsandcolitis.org.uk/about-inflammatory-bowel-disease/ulcerative-colitis

I'd love to hear from you if you or someone you know is going through the same or similar... it really helps when I feel like part of a community with this, because then I feel less alone. 

Also, there was a video I watched on Facebook by Buzzfeed yesterday and it was really relatable, so if you have another moment free, be sure to check it out:
Video: Times My Doctor Didn't Listen to My Pain

With love, hugs, kisses and special wishes,

From Katy ♡

I made it to the TOP 100!

Sometimes you can be reaching out to someone and not even be aware of it. 

Around a year a go, I posted a video on YouTube in an attempt to get my story heard in relation to the illness that I live with; Ulcerative Colitis... earlier this week I was awarded in the Top 100 for my channel and it made me feel so content that in doing such a small action, I've actually managed to reach out to a bigger audience and raise awareness for the illness. 

It was a little reminder that even though things aren't always ideal for yourself, as a person you can still make an impact on others even when unaware you're doing so. 

When I was awarded I was shown where I featured and this meant that I too was provided with more contacts and blogs and so once again I'm reminded I'm not alone with my journey. Take a look at the site if you want to check out some of the other brilliant and brave bloggers battling Crohns and Colitis. 

Oh and by the way, this has definitely made me want to do another long awaited video on my channel, so be sure to let me know what you'd like to see. 

With love, hugs, kisses and special wishes,
From Katy ♡

It takes some guts...

Okay... so I'm getting seriously fed up with feeling fed up now. I know what you're thinking 'But Katy, you just had a nice holiday away and you're out of work, you're free to do what you want for the time being, so there's no need to mope about...' Well my friend, you would be wrong; yes of course I had a lovely holiday and I'm so happy to have spent my first holiday with Rhys...

... but literally, the day before we went, I discovered that I've got to have yet another Colonoscopy - oh the joys. Now I have to admit, this doctor seems more on the ball and has promised me it won't be traumatic like the last time (last time, they tissued my anaesthetic and I felt everything they were doing - it wasn't a pleasant time for me, not that it should have been but ya know...) but seriously, why another camera up my... Oh actually, I know why, because the bleeding hasn't really stopped since February. Don't get me wrong, it's not as bad as it once was or could be but still... Oh and by the way, don't be fooled by my smiling holiday photos either; a lot of the time was spent in pain; one evening I ruined everyone's meal by having to leave before we even had time to order because I doubled over in pain, almost vomited from the agony, had the waiters fussing over me and then had to describe a hot water bottle to a Greek pharmacist! This UC thing really takes it toll on me. 

(This was the night that got ruined, about 1hour before the pain kicked in!)

I guess that's the reason I feel so down. How can something, as lovely as a holiday, become another pain in the butt for me. Why does it have to be like this for us sufferers? Why can't we just spend our day completely pain free and if it's gonna affect us, why can't it work like a period, where at least you can expect when you're gonna feel like it and pencil in for that one week of the month to be tucked up in bed with all the comforts we need but nope, it just comes as it pleases and not always in the best or most suitable places. 

It's not the only thing that's getting me down though but I guess it all kind of links in together; this no work thing is a killer! Not all parts of it - I mean, it has been nice to just relax and do what I want with the day but it's the whole no money thing. I am not a charity case - I hate being given or lent money, I hate debts looming over me and it sucks that I am kinda expectant of it right now. I was pretty good, I made one month's pay cheque last me until now but I've still held back on lots and feel like I'm a bit restricted right now. I'm truly lucky to have the people around me who are supporting me or else I would be screwed - I just have a nice list of 'I Owe You's' stacking up! I've been applying for jobs but it's, again, that whole fear that my illness will crop up when I just get nicely settled somewhere and then I have to explain all over again to someone and that leads to stress and yet more grumpiness and back to square one - what a predicament eh?! I do have another reason I don't think employers are taking me seriously with at the moment but (and I know I said it two posts back) I will explain that another time! 

Anyway, thank you for letting me rant to you! Sometimes you just need to! 

Big Love 

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My Ulcerative Colitis Story...

Yesterday I posted a video to YouTube about part of my journey with Ulcerative Colitis; the reception i've got from the video has been incredible - I never thought that so many of my Facebook friends would have shown such an interest and offered such sympathy, particularly as (in all honesty) it's not really been shown before they knew some of the ins and outs of what i've been through and probably thought I just moaned about nothing, lol. 

My journey with UC has been really difficult; one where I found out who my true friends were; one where I learnt my own strength, through coping with the disease; one where i've learnt what's important to me and what's just superficial... I could go on... 

But, the reason I posted the video wasn't just to draw the attention to my own story but to make people aware of what UC sufferers can go through, I didn't really even go into much detail, there's so much more I could say about it and to be honest, I'd love to. I would love for people to understand what someone with any Chronic Illness aka Spoonies, go through; I feel that so many illnesses are worldly known but some, such as Ulcerative Colitis, are left almost un-heard of to those who don't have it or know anyone with it.

Next time i'd like to do a Q&A to raise some more awareness and go into more detail of some of the symptoms and issues I've faced with the illness but for now, here is a link to my video:

My Video

I hope it can help shed some light, or raise some awareness or make someone who is facing the illness themselves, feel less alone.

Please remember to subscribe to my channel for more videos to come:
My Channel

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Mum and Rhys had to wear aprons and gloves because I was barrier nursed! 

I was so happy when I was allowed to eat that I photographed the occasion! 

It was an incredibly miserable time... 

... But some gifts and flowers brightened up the place.

At the time the 'no make up selfie' was trending on Facebook for cancer awareness, this was mine! 

I HATE blood tests. 

Poor little Rhysy, after spending every visiting hour possible with me for a week; this was the end result - hospitals are incredibly boring places.