Be Kind...

Gosh, it’s been a while since I’ve posted on here and actually, I’m not sure why I ever stopped, as I love using this as a release.

I wasn’t going to jump on the bandwagon but actually, more for myself, I feel like I wanted to speak about the ‘Caroline Flack’ incident.

Now, I’ve never been a particular fan of Caroline - I had no reason to be, as I didn’t watch Love Island or X Factor and the only time I can say I’ve admired her was when she performed Chicago in the West End (which was fab!) but for some reason, her story is so raw and has made me feel like I’ve lost a close friend – it’s really unsettled me.

I’ve obsessed over all the details, I’ve invested into her story and I just feel completely shaken by it. Perhaps because it’s a little close to home.

If you know me, you know my mood can change from 1 to 100 and back to -10 again. I get angry and upset but in the next moment could be having full on belly laughs. I’d say that more often than not I get through the days with a facade - a fake smile, pretending everything is okay. People who don’t know me are shocked when I say I’m a negative person, mostly because I’m always the one trying to cheer people up, send them a quote to encourage a better time or advise them on a difficult time they’re having. 

The trouble is, the time when I’m alone, inside my own head... thinking about all the what ifs through every segment of my life. Wishing I’d done things differently. Wondering what it was I did to deserve the bad times I’ve had thrown at me.  

We laugh at a recent note taken from a work meeting where I exclaimed ‘my 20s have been terrible!’ But it’s so very true... I feel like every year I say ‘this year will be better’ but it always feels just the same as the last. I am still so very stuck in my own head. Drowning with hateful thoughts towards myself. Trying to cover up the truth and brave a smile. Longing for something that I don’t even know I’m missing. And my goodness there’s been many times where that scary scary thought has crossed my mind - what if it all just ended today? But luckily, I have family and friends and a fiancé to pull me out the other side and make me realise, I am here for a reason - I just haven’t found it for myself yet. 

And I think that’s what breaks my heart so very much about Caroline - how did it get to the point for her that she couldn’t even think of the people that love her so dearly, that could have pulled her through. How hurt she must have felt, feeing like she had no one else to turn to, to open up to, who could have prevented this awful outcome. 

We all make mistakes. We all say and do things we shouldn’t. I know I have said spiteful things in anger and upset - things I far from mean, things that eat away at my conscious but one thing I’m always proud of is, I say sorry, I address the situation and I try to finalise issues. Sometimes it can take years but I get there eventually because if not, I would only dwell. It’s so very hard to imagine she felt she couldn’t even get to that point. She couldn’t face it any longer. 

Remember what Caroline said - Be Kind.  

          - I think it’s important we all think on that. Even if you have said or done things you shouldn’t. Reflect on them and improve on them for next time. If someone or yourself has made an effort to move past a bad moment in life, grow together past my that. Don’t resent or reject that person and make them feel alone. You never know how a person is feeling behind closed doors. 

Rest in Peace Caroline & to all those others who couldn’t stand their mental health any longer.