Wednesday, 18 May 2016

It takes some guts...

Okay... so I'm getting seriously fed up with feeling fed up now. I know what you're thinking 'But Katy, you just had a nice holiday away and you're out of work, you're free to do what you want for the time being, so there's no need to mope about...' Well my friend, you would be wrong; yes of course I had a lovely holiday and I'm so happy to have spent my first holiday with Rhys...



... but literally, the day before we went, I discovered that I've got to have yet another Colonoscopy - oh the joys. Now I have to admit, this doctor seems more on the ball and has promised me it won't be traumatic like the last time (last time, they tissued my anaesthetic and I felt everything they were doing - it wasn't a pleasant time for me, not that it should have been but ya know...) but seriously, why another camera up my... Oh actually, I know why, because the bleeding hasn't really stopped since February. Don't get me wrong, it's not as bad as it once was or could be but still... Oh and by the way, don't be fooled by my smiling holiday photos either; a lot of the time was spent in pain; one evening I ruined everyone's meal by having to leave before we even had time to order because I doubled over in pain, almost vomited from the agony, had the waiters fussing over me and then had to describe a hot water bottle to a Greek pharmacist! This UC thing really takes it toll on me. 

(This was the night that got ruined, about 1hour before the pain kicked in!)

I guess that's the reason I feel so down. How can something, as lovely as a holiday, become another pain in the butt for me. Why does it have to be like this for us sufferers? Why can't we just spend our day completely pain free and if it's gonna affect us, why can't it work like a period, where at least you can expect when you're gonna feel like it and pencil in for that one week of the month to be tucked up in bed with all the comforts we need but nope, it just comes as it pleases and not always in the best or most suitable places. 

It's not the only thing that's getting me down though but I guess it all kind of links in together; this no work thing is a killer! Not all parts of it - I mean, it has been nice to just relax and do what I want with the day but it's the whole no money thing. I am not a charity case - I hate being given or lent money, I hate debts looming over me and it sucks that I am kinda expectant of it right now. I was pretty good, I made one month's pay cheque last me until now but I've still held back on lots and feel like I'm a bit restricted right now. I'm truly lucky to have the people around me who are supporting me or else I would be screwed - I just have a nice list of 'I Owe You's' stacking up! I've been applying for jobs but it's, again, that whole fear that my illness will crop up when I just get nicely settled somewhere and then I have to explain all over again to someone and that leads to stress and yet more grumpiness and back to square one - what a predicament eh?! I do have another reason I don't think employers are taking me seriously with at the moment but (and I know I said it two posts back) I will explain that another time! 

Anyway, thank you for letting me rant to you! Sometimes you just need to! 

Big Love 

X