Saturday, 21 May 2016

Reflecting...

Why is it always when we want to sleep that our brains go into over thinking mode? Take last night for example; I couldn't sleep through the below thoughts going through my head, so I thought I'd get them out on here:

Thursday evening was spent with an old and dear friend of mine, Fahema or as I like to call her, Fahim; we did something I hadn't done in a long time, head to The Forum, a gig venue in my old town of Tunbridge Wells, which I have always loved and I even had few drinks (get me!). It's always so good to spend time with Fahema, she's one of those friends who you can not see for months (or even years at some stages!) and yet everything picks up right from where it left off, not only this but I always see her as some sort of philosophical, agony aunt and as always, she said some things which got me thinking... 

It was along the lines of her and her sister discussing how I had changed and become quite inverted and no longer as bubbly as I once was... this is something I know, myself, to be true. This is also something with makes me feel quite upset sometimes. 

What happened to me? I mean, I've always been pretty nervous meeting new people and being in new situations but since when did that affect how I am in front of people I've known for years? I know that since being diagnosed I pretty much learnt who my true friends are but then why does it feel like I'm pushing away those who did remain true to me, by being this nervous version of myself? It's infuriating because I just want to be confident and not care what anyone thinks of me, or at least come across that way but I seem to just shy away and apparently now even my friends are noticing. I have become incredibly boring, I don't do much and anything I once considered as fun is normally out of the question, where I am either in pain or just not feeling up to it. A big thing is that all my friends still like to drink and go out and I have rarely done that since I was diagnosed because I know the outcome if I do, luckily this wasn't an issue Thursday but I think I deserved a nice evening doing what I used to enjoy!  

This is a big reason why I feel so connected to the YouTubers I watch constantly, which sounds ridiculous but it's almost like having a friend talking at you without having to show myself to them (and without having to leave my house to see them!); however the reason we ended up at the Forum was because I wanted a chance to see Box of Light perform, which would mean meeting Helen Anderson, one of my favourite YouTubers to watch. I almost left without plucking up the courage to meet her but. another old friend, Andy and his lovely girlfriend, Grace, talked me into it. (Side note: I'm pretty sure Andy would have noticed the change in me too, I first met him when I was a confident thing who didn't care too much about anything - perhaps too care free, even!) Anyway, somehow I plucked up the courage but now I have massive regrets about the way I approached Helen; I tapped her on the shoulder and just word vomited at her that I was a huge fan and asked if I could have a picture. The venue was pretty loud and I didn't really know what to say, I was shaking and just altogether just felt so awkward and I'm sure she thought the same of me. BUT WHY?! Why can't I just be myself? I obviously watch Helen because I feel a connection there (even Fahema had said whilst watch her on stage that Helen reminded her of me a little) and yet when I get this chance to meet her, I go into my shell when I could have just been confident and carry on chatting with her as I hoped I would. Am I seriously going to be like this with everyone I'm around, new or old to me?





                                                   That Awkward Moment! 




Not only this but then I go into uber 'Fan Girl' mode and then tag her into everything and then get myself over thinking about how I am so un-cool and down right ridiculous. I don't exactly know what I was thinking, what? that I was going to walk out of the Forum with my new best buddy, Helen Anderson - Ha, okay then, Katy?!  But I just feel like I had the exact opposite reaction, that this poor girl who was watching the other bands play was just disturbed by some nervous freak! And why was I so nervous anyway, at the end of the day, Helen, however amazing in what she does, is just a normal girl like me! Maybe, just maybe, I can get away with saying I was 'star struck' around Helen but then it doesn't explain why I am like it with everyone else?

In school I was (without blowing my own trumpet) fairly popular, I was a blender so I fitted into most groups and I think that's what Fahema would have meant - where did THAT girl go? I really just hope she's still in there somewhere because this whole no confidence thing is really sucking. But even when I'm trying to make the effort to meet new people, I seem to spill my heart out and not really get far, so I just feel like I'm always going to feel worthless with friends really because let's face it, I don't exactly have many these days, more just people I see or speak with occasionally. Very sad times...

Christ, I'm making myself sound like a loser but that's how I feel at the moment and if you haven't gathered from my previous posts, I like to rant and moan and mope about these things on here. It just... helps me? 

So there was my little reflection on what an old friend said to me... I hope I'm not the only one feeling this awkward out there and if you feel like me, then hey, why not contact me so we can be awkward together?! LOOOOOL.

Anyway, Big Love and have a good Saturday - I'm spending mine at Rhys' buttttt he's out, so I'm just wasting some time alone!