Monday, 1 February 2016

Should I Stay or Should I go?

My mum did say that this year was going to be the year of decisions and she wasn't wrong! It's not like this is something I haven't been thinking about for a while (probably a year, previous) but now it's 'crunch time'. Eeek. 

Just over 5 years ago, my parents moved from Tonbridge to Banbury|Kent to Oxfordshire; this happened to be a very hard time of my life. I loved my old home and to cut a long story short, it did and still does tear me apart to think about that move. At the time, I put on a brave, or probably more to the point, a stubborn face and stayed put in Kent (I also lived in Essex for a while but that's another story!). I actually ended up moving around 6 times until I eventually got settled somewhere and that only happened because my brother decided to up and leave me alone in Kent too. Things weren't all as bad as I've made them sound, although, it has turned out to be a very crappy 5 years as a whole but every cloud and that meant that I found myself Rhys and for 2 of the 5 years, we've spent together here. 

Anyway… to get to the point… the time has come for me to decide whether or not to stop being so stubborn and to finally go and join my family in Oxfordshire. This hasn't just come from nowhere, there are several reasons why I feel like this is the next step of my life but there's also a couple of things holding me back…

I realised, especially last year, how very important my family are, of course we still have our disputes but since living alone since I was 18, i've really learnt to grow up (a bit!) and with that came the best bond between my parents and I; I consider them 2 of my best friends, there's not much I don't tell them, there's nothing they wouldn't do for me and to support me and I realise how very blessed I am to have that because not everyone has that kind of bond with their parents; in all fairness it wasn't always like that, when they told me they were selling the house, I 'hated' them, as I said, it really wasn't a good time.
Life since then is literally flying by so quickly and that has started to make me appreciate how important it is not to waste it. My mumma was unfortunately diagnosed with Microvascular Angina last year; the best way I can describe this,  is that all the oomph has been stolen from her; she gets very tired, very quickly and stress, as you can imagine, is not ideal. In turn, my dad then gets stressed out because of it all and so I get all worried about that. As a family, were not the healthiest, each of us has an issue at one time or the other, which doesn't make for an easy life, so it would be nice for me to be close to them all to be another leg of support.

One of the main reasons I think anyone finds themselves stressed out for is money; money makes the world go round! As per one of my previous blogs, you will know i'm pretty crap at saving money and as I said, I hate having to rely on my parents for loans! My mum and dad actually own the house I live in currently; it was bought as a guilt trip for my brother, at the time (long story) but I guess you can say it's served it's purpose because it has been my home and I have many a memory here and I can't say I don't love it. Anyway... money...
All in all, the decision to move would mean that a) I can save money by not spending money on rent and bills etc. (not that i've had to spend too much on that) and b) my parents would finally be free to spend their retirement money, which is what is currently tied up in the house.  You see, I'm really not a selfish person and will often put others before myself and in this situation, someone has got to be selfless and someone selfish; it's just a matter of deciding who!

I know you are probably sat here screaming at the screen, that the choice is obvious but then if you sit and think of all the other side to this:
           I'd not only be giving up my home, giving up Kent and my job, i'd also run the risk of messing up a two year relationship with Rhys, just by making us long distance. In some ways I can see only good from this, you see, we argue a lot and I feel the distance could be a good thing for us, a chance for us to really miss each other and learn to appreciate one another again but I also feel scared that I would feel lost without him not being 5 minutes down the road anymore. He has no intention of moving with me (not now, not ever) so what does that mean for the long term?

Life just seems to be full of what ifs and that makes life difficult, particularly if, like me, you are awful at making decisions.

I'm sure i'll come to a decision soon, whether pushed into it or of natural feelings but in the mean time, i'll try to enjoy my time here because who knows, it might not be for much longer! I will let you know soon...